Sometimes nursing brings more than just the physical feeling of your milk letting down. It can bring a rush of emotion too, and not always the kind you’d expect. Some moms have shared with us that they feel a sudden drop in mood right before their milk flows, like a heavy wave of sadness, dread, or even a sense of panic. That feeling doesn’t last more than a minute or two, but it’s strong. It seems to come out of nowhere, and it often throws moms off.
This isn’t something everyone talks about openly, but it has a name. It’s called Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex, or D-MER. Over the years, we’ve heard from more moms who’ve experienced it and didn’t know what was going on. It can feel really upsetting, especially when people tell you it’s nothing or just part of being tired. D-MER isn’t about how strong you are or how much you care about your baby, it’s a reflex. Talking about it can help make those confusing moments a little less lonely.
What D-MER Feels Like
DMER shows up during nursing or pumping, most often right as milk lets down. For some moms, it feels like a short wave of sadness. Others describe it more like a sinking feeling in their chest, or a moment of irritation, anxiety, or dread. It can be tough to put into words if you’ve never heard of it before. Many moms think it’s just them. They wonder if they’re doing something wrong, or if they’re just overly emotional.
This is different from postpartum depression or the so-called baby blues. D-MER usually only happens for a brief window of time, and only during that one part of feeding. Once the milk is flowing, their mood usually returns to normal. That’s one of the clearest ways it stands apart.
One mom told me she felt like her whole brain dropped out of her body for just 90 seconds, every single time she started nursing. She didn’t feel that way any other time during the day, and it stopped the moment her milk let down. That’s what made her start searching for answers. She knew something was off, and she was right.
What Causes D-MER
There is still a lot to learn about D-MER, but many believe it has something to do with quick hormonal changes during milk release. Specifically, a change in dopamine levels may play a role. The body needs space for prolactin, the hormone that helps make milk. To make that happen, dopamine drops fast, and for some people, that dip can trigger a strong emotional reaction.
What’s really important to understand is this: it’s not something moms are causing by their thoughts or feelings about breastfeeding. It’s not a mood problem. DMER is a physical reaction happening in the brain and body. That means even experienced moms, or moms who really enjoy nursing, can feel it.
We’ve seen this surprise plenty of mothers. Some have had smooth feeding experiences with their older children, and then DMER shows up with a new baby. Sometimes it stops them in their tracks because it’s so sudden and so different from anything they’ve felt before.
How Moms Describe the Emotional Impact
This sudden wave can be more than just uncomfortable. It can make feeding your baby something you dread, even if you love the bonding time. Moms have told us the emotional hit feels harder than they could have guessed. Since it passes quickly, it’s easy for people around them to dismiss it. That only adds to the frustration.
Some moms say the swing from joy to sadness for just a few moments is jarring. It feels like your brain sounds the alarm when everything else around you is calm. Guilt can sneak in too. Some moms think they’re supposed to feel only warmth and love during feeding. The truth is, these automatic feelings can’t be controlled. They don’t say anything about how much a mom cares for her baby.
It helps to have a name for what’s happening. Many moms feel lighter once they realize D-MER is a real thing. When someone says, “what you’re describing sounds like D-MER,” it can be a moment of relief. They start to understand their own bodies and know they aren’t alone.
Finding Support That Makes a Difference
Talking about D-MER and being heard truly matters. This lesson comes up again and again. So many things get brushed aside in early motherhood. When someone listens, not just hears, but really listens, it can completely change your experience.
The people who can help the most are often those who offer an open, informed response. Whether it’s a care provider, a lactation consultant, or a friend, support makes DMER less scary for many moms. Sometimes the hardest thing is just having the words to explain what you feel.
When you say, “I don’t feel quite right during letdown,” and someone answers, “You’re not the only one,” that removes the shame. Not every healthcare provider knows about DMER, but being open to hearing about it, and not rushing to label it as depression or high stress, helps everyone move forward.
Some useful supports include:
– Talking with a trained lactation consultant about how you feel during feeds
– Finding mental health support from specialists who work with new parents
– Leaning on trusted family or friends who are willing to listen and not judge
What Help Can Look Like
For some moms, working with a trained support person can change how they handle D-MER. Mental health counselors who understand postpartum struggles or lactation consultants who pay attention to emotions can offer real help. Sometimes, even a single honest conversation is enough to help steady what feels overwhelming.
Choice matters here too. You might want to keep breastfeeding, take breaks, or decide to stop. That decision is yours. Each path is valid. Sometimes, giving yourself space to think and making choices outside of panic makes a world of difference.
Letting someone support you while you sort through these feelings can take some of the load off your shoulders. One mom said she didn’t need someone to fix D-MER. She just wanted to feel less alone while she learned to manage it.
Some moms who reach out for support find it useful that the Postpartum Depression Alliance of Illinois connects parents with local support groups and mental health professionals familiar with issues like DMER and postpartum mood struggles. They also offer a warm line to give parents a safe place to talk about how they feel, especially if they’re feeling overwhelmed or confused and just need someone to listen who gets it.
You’re Not Alone, Even If It Feels That Way
D-MER isn’t a name most people know, so it makes sense if this is the first time you’ve heard about it. Just because it isn’t common knowledge, doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Sometimes just naming what’s happening can give you a bit of peace or help you feel steadier next time it happens.
You don’t have to go through D-MER alone, or try to pretend it’s not affecting you. If it keeps showing up in your feeding routine and starts getting in the way of how you feel each day, please remember you deserve care and real support too. There are people who understand and are ready to listen when you’re ready to talk.
Talking with someone who truly understands the emotional side of feeding challenges can make a real difference, especially if D-MER has started affecting how you feel day to day. We’ve heard from many parents over the years who felt lost or overwhelmed until they found the words and support that made things a little clearer. If you’re looking for a place to start, we have a lot of information about issues affecting new moms on our website or our volunteers offer mom-to-mom support How We Can Help.
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